I need a woman...

One thing i notice about older people is that they love to tell the younger generation what they have experienced, what they know and in generally just about everything. They aren't trying to make us into them or anything, they just like the company and they love to talk.

My dad i don't think he is that old (although he seems to like playing old and frail despite what i have seen him do) but he also likes to tell me things. Only natural of course and perhaps more so seeing as i am the only boy among my siblings and thus carry the family name (well as far as tradition dictates anyway) on after he is gone.
My dad likes to work with woodcrafts, he doesn't do it for a living or anything, nor does he hold any diploma that certifies him as a carpenter, but one thing is sure though, he is very skilled. He takes after my grandfather who was a carpenter and an extremely good one at that. My dad says his skills doesn't match that of my grandfather but i think that is only because he doesn't have the liberties my grandfather had. Its the difference in wives that dictated said liberties but thats a different story.

My dad tells me just about anything, i try to listen but truth be said, i have trouble getting most of it because its much so technical things about tools and stuff he talks about. I put on a good show of course so i seem interested, and don't get me wrong, i do like working with wood too, i have been since i got my first knife at around the age of 8.

But when i look at a friend of mine, he is a former classmate of mine and a very special friend in many ways, i wonder about how i will be when i get to that age. I mean he is good with words, don't get me wrong there, but he actually doesn't use them much. He always seem to fall back on his actions which i have seen him do many times and its a work of art. When he sets his mind to something he doesn't have to explain what he intends to do, he naturally get people to trust him by what he does. He has a way of doing things that just makes sense and when you see it, its so obvious one wonders how one didn't think about it themselves.

I am not that good with words, the written word has never been an ally of mine and to be honest it just feels as if i have been in a very awkward truce every now and then to accomplish anything regarding just that. I am fairly talented with my hands and my mind however. While workshop didn't go the best, textile crafts and art classes seem to fall naturally to me and the teachers always end up giving me praise, even for the things i don't intend (and thats even the mean angry teachers who generally puts everyone down)
my grades in there where also some of my better ones.

I am not good at showing my intentions through my actions however. I can never seem to make it plain or make people look at it and encourage their trust in what i do even if its my best, so i wonder again how it will be for me when i am old.

My wishlist for christmas seem to have hit an all time high this year. But i think that while i wish for much of this, i think i just wish for it. I don't think i actually want it (well some things i do but not all of it) but i do wish for it.
I think its healthy to have wishes like these but also leave them unfulfilled, it leaves us with goals no matter how material and shallow they are they get a bigger purpose when not getting it.

Some of these things will be my own little gift for myself once i find my own little housing to crawl into (which seems closer now than ever before)

The things i do wish for are actually divided into three groups, stuff i have a connection too, stuff i just want and of course the category "other" for everything else, just random stuff really.

1. Playstation. I actually want this because its a nice media player, great entertainment center when having friends over and with linux in it, you got a badass pc screen in the livingroom. Its a nice backup pc to use if you don't want to risk getting all sorts of crap on a work machine or something like that, so its in the "stuff i just want" box

2. new harddrive. Right now i have an external drive of 750gb which is a great deal of space but i do have all my series in there (well not all, in fact i burned most of them to dvd because it was so loaded) which take up most of the space. Even after sorting through it all (even the porn )it still lacks sufficient space, so i wish for a couple of new 1TB drives to take the slots of the empty SATA ports i have empty on my motherboard. i can manage but i consider it something for the "stuff i just want" box because of the possibilities of it.

3. New keyboard. I got the logitech G15 keyboard at the moment and its actually a really sweek keyboard with USB connectors, display, media buttons and all that, not to mention the 18 macro buttons i can program to just about anything i want. However while i like it and it still works fine, the light seems to have gone down recently which is odd since its LED light which again shouldn't die out so fast. Don't get me wrong the light is there, it just seems to have faded since i got it (and yes i have looked at it in pitch black surroundings and its not the same there either) The logitech G19 has been out for a while now and it has much the same features only twice as many macros, adjustable light (so i can have white light for best illumination) color screen (whereas mine is just orange on brighter orange) the USB connectors on this one also is powered so it won't reduce the speed or anything whereas my current is powerless so i can't plug in any powerneedy USB units. However since i do manage fine with my current and as said i am pleased with it, this goes in the "other" box. I don't really need it, i am just a gadget freak who loves to have the newest of the new stuff when it comes down to it.

4. New mouse. and no, i don't want a setup of both mouse and keyboard, they rarely serve me what i need in their combinations, they mostly just go together for the looks. my current mouse while it also works has been acting up lately. The scroll works, the buttons work, but when i move it, sometimes it takes on life of its own. There is no hair or any dust to indicate obstruction in the sensor area, but 3 years (i got it when it was brand new) usually wears out these poor things in my care even though i like to think i take good care of them (well not dropped them, clean them from dust and all sorts of things do qualify as good care doesn't it?) however it does work but i still place this in the "stuff i just want" box

5. Something i have been dying to get for a long time now is the collected work of Stargate SG-1. For those that don't know it or dislike sci-fi you probably won't know it but its one of the more infamous series out there spanning 10 seasons with 20 episodes in each this show in my opinion has it all, action, love, drama, secrecy and of course sci-fi.
When women watch Dallas, glamour or sunset beach or whatever, this is what men wished they where watching. Its drama for men basically. The boxed collection contains all the episodes from the show in a really nice package and its a show dear to my heart which is why this wish goes into the "connections" box

6. Stargate this one too, but its Atlantis, the daughter series of SG-1 but it doesn't go in the connections box, but i did find it to be nice too, so it does go into the "stuff i just want" box

(and btw, the numbers don't really mean anything i just think it looks tidier with it)

7. well whats playstation without guitarhero or extra controllers (seeing as the standard package only contains 1 controller) so thats the 7th wish but its in the "others" box as it comes down to getting the playstation first

8. a new tv. well if i am going to move out soon it would be nice to have a nice tv easily hooked up to my computer or something. i don't want some fat 50" flatscreen tv though, its to big, and to expensive for me. However the little brother (about 42") would be nice and is way way cheaper and still more than sufficient for me. My parents have been trying to get me to take the old box they got downstairs instead of getting a new one, but hell will freeze over before i take that big box. its CRT and horrible to bring with me. This goes in the "stuff i just want" box

9. new pc monitor, same size as the one i got already so i can just run dual screen. It would be nice with two brand new ones in widescreen but i think thats pushing it. however i have no problem with just one screen so "others" box for this wish

10. more RAM memory for my pc. its not needing it, but it would be nice to see if that could alleviate some of the heat issues (which i suspect are from the current RAM chips) but would help on Win7 in any case.

11. lets make this the last wish, sick of writing so better make it a good ending too. Well i will be moving out and i don't really fancy taking with me this computer desk. Its not properly made and its really to big not to mention the screen is positioned in a way that really is bad for my neck (but i can't move it so...) I want to make my own desk design with my old man and the reason i want that is not just for the new desk, nor just to make something for myself, but to spend some time with dad when making it. Last time we made a bench for our new vacation home (my grandparents home before they died) but my mom managed to butcher that bench (only thing i have never forgiven her for because she was being really rude, and egotistical about it and it ruined what i felt was something of a bonding between me and my dad) Anyway, i liked making something with him and while the design will be mine alone, i will take his advice and hopefully it will be just the type of bench i want, namely simple, spacey yet practical and not to big. (and btw, no i don't have the best connection with my mother for various reasons, we just never could quite connect, even though we both want it and try, but thats another story)
but as said, i really don't like this bench even though my dad made it with the best of intentions and he did ask us for input (although it was his call in the end) but he has said he would like me to design a bench which he will help me make

because i am not one myself, but thats a different issue.

I love weirdoes because they dare to be unique, they dare to stand alone and stand infront of everyone and frankly there is not a damn thing they can do about it either. Either they become one themselves or they are left in the shadows of the masses.

I am weird, i just don't look it. I talk the talk and from the response i had a while back in here it was pretty apparent, although not in a positive sense that time i believe that will change.

As for another matter, well i have been looking for a new place nearer to work which begins in less than a month (Eeeeeek!) I have sent a mail regarding some parking issues as i need a car to get to and from my parents house and so forth.
I have been having A LOT of trouble sleeping lately due to my anxiety issues surfacing more so than usual and much stronger the closer i get to starting my new job but if there is on thing that runs in my family its the stubbornness. It runs on both sides and i am to damn stubborn to let something like that bother me which means i basically am just left with one option; i have to have hope and pull through or else i would be completely lost.

Now, if i could just find a nice little cozy place to stay and i wouldn't mind a nice cozy little lady to follow along with it then everything would be pretty sweet in my life.

I got some sad news delivered to me today.

One of my former classmates from junior high just lost her brother.

The reason it is extra sad as far as i am concerned is that it makes the second person i know and whom i have had a more personal connection too that happens to end up going through exactly what i went through some years ago.

before this one there was another classmate from the same school whom lost her sister.

I hate to be thinking selfishly when someone else is in pain but it just really really sucks to be around when something so painful seems to come again in a deja vu sort of manner.

I never knew any of these ladies particularly well as i was an outcast those three years we went together. One of them i liked but i was immature and stupid beyond recognition to actually create a bond with (instead i pretty much ruined it) and the other person, well i never really liked her very much because of who she was as a person back then.

But today i actually wouldn't mind being friend with either. I know that today we are all different persons and despite me being a social outcast and them actually bullying me for it (well one of them at part anyway) i don't think about it. Not that i don't want too, i just don't. I have a forgiving nature i guess.

While i regret not going to the first victims (after me that is) funeral i think i might show up in this one. Not just because she deserves support, but because just maybe something good can come of it. In any case even if nothing else, i can show her some support.